Transience.

So. We did it.

Everything is still incredibly surreal.

From three days to show with all our barang, to backstage, to right now.

WE DID IT, GUYS.

Where do I even start?

Some of us have known each other since we were 7, most since we were 13. Have gone through Drama classes for four years together, if not at least watched each other grow in our performances.
Had dreams like any other group of friends – ambitious ones: “Let’s put up a play! A musical! Self-directed! Self-written!” Did I believe we’ll actually do it one day? I did. Did I expect it to be anything like this? No.

I’m sorry if at any point I get over indulgent with self-lauding, but right now, i’m just incredibly proud of us all.

To Gloria and Cleo, for their insane courage and amazing ideals. Without which this play would either a) not have taken place or b) taken place in a void deck. For their leadership and vision and sometimes unbearable workouts.

To Naddy, whom half of us only just met a couple months ago but now love so incredibly much. Thank you for being so strong – physically, emotionally, holding the (often crazyass and uncontrollable) group together with your calm and your insight.

To Celine, for your broken tooth and fractured foot, but also for bringing what is an important sense of realness into the play.

To Xinyi, our baby – director turned actor for your ability to be carried around and manipulated like a rag doll. Also for your house, your food, your witty asides.

To Becky, for being such a powerful performer (and I don’t think you even realize how much so).

To Cathleen, Rei-En and Dhimas – the best three-man crew anyone can ask for: for their nimble fingers and fleet feet, and basically doing everything for us.

And to me, for being a bright spark of brilliance as always.

How many teenagers (and thank God, this is my last year as a -teen) can say they self-devised and performed in a play they can truly call their own? Every scene is so much a product of everyone’s that when someone asks, Oh, who came up with this? I truly cannot answer them. It’s that extreme sense of accomplishment, of having DONE something you’re always always be proud of, and it being fully yours – some people spend their lives waiting for this. We’re very lucky.

Better yet, how many of us can say we’ve done this not just alone – but with people you have already known and loved for years? And who share your passion strongly, and are capable and driven enough to take action? We’re lucky also because we have each other.

People. People. We put up a show. In a real theater. Left to our own devices entirely.

None of us are trained dancers, or have had much experience with physical theater. But we did it.

Two sold-out shows.

Happy audience.

Happy us.

Two months. (And now it’s over. The withdrawal symptoms will be terrifying.)

I’ll briefly describe our rehearsal process right up to the play, with lots of people to thanks throughout!

For this we have our producers G and Cleo to thank – they organized all the logistics before roping us in (a cast of seven: G, Cleo, Celine, Me, Becky, Cathleen, Naddy. And Xin as our director). About mid-December we met up to discuss, it’s still crazy thinking back. At Pastamania where we were literally directionless, had no idea what we’d be putting up.)

Our time at Hong Wen School’s dance studio (courtesy of Xinyi’s VP mom THANK YOU SO MUCH). In the beginning we were all track pants and seriousness, but later it degenerated to (honestly) pajamas and slippers. Hours and hours we spent in there devising, scraping, experimenting.

Xinyi was roped in after (and we all became directors), but Cathleen unfortunately had golf commitments and dropped out (but came often to shower us with food). Later on we also bumped into the Goodman Arts Center (with a FRIDGE – we were ecstatic).

The play went through so many stages, and had grown so much in just a month.

Come to think of it, some may see these past two months as tough. Rehearsals every other day for long hours, and rehearsals are non stop experimenting and practicing (which means we are constantly moving – by that I mean running, jumping, lifting). But I don’t think I’ve ever felt grudging or reluctant. Sure, there’s always that few seconds where you wake up at 8am and think “What the hell. I could have been sleeping.” But once we’re in it, it’s actually… fun.

It helps that we’ve been friends for awhile.

All the inside jokes, all the falling on the ground laughing until we’ve exhausted ourselves, the hobo-ing on the ground eating tuna crackers, appreciating each other’s ideas and that exhilaration where together we find a sequence which works. And of course our neh neh exercises involving lots of HTHT and tears (and fries. and farts).

It wasn’t without obstacles though.

Towards the last week (where we had one entire scene un-finished.. YES. scary), things happened. We were over-budget (by quite a bit) for unexpected costs and ticket sales were slow for 3pm (which meant more losses). To be frank I’m quite the worriers so I internally panicked about all the money and was thinking “Why the hell are we doing this WE ARE UNPAID UNEMPLOYED STARVING ARTISTS NOW. IN DEBT.” For this, we have people to thank, and I cannot stop thanking them.

Most of all – the St. Nicholas community. Six of us were from SNGS, and we’ve always felt that whatever we are capable of now and who we are comes mostly from our time in St. Nicks. And we trusted that St. Nicks will be there for us when we needed them. It’s just a SN thing. We were not let down – in fact the response was astounding. We sent an email to the SN alumni describing our position, and in no time and all, many SN Jiejies had raised funds for us (from their own pockets) to partly sponsor our play. It’s with utmost willingness, without any doubt or expectation of returns, just with that distinctive St. Nicholas spirit to instinctively help each other.

The response we got from our donations jar and the spike in ticket sales after we sought help from friends (3PM SOLD OUT TOO), we credit wholly to the audience. Thanks to you guys we are NOT IN DEBT!

And then there was the problem of cast. Celine’s tooth got chipped for one of our later rehearsals during a particularly bad fall, and there was the fear of her leaving. A week before show. Imagine the angst. After we have calmed down (from bubble tea and stress-laughter and good news, tragedy struck again (the next day), where Celine slipped after rehearsals and apparently fractured her foot. Thank God it was a false report and it was just a tissue tear.

We also have to thank God, because I truly believe He helped us through all our obstacles. As a cast we were all pretty strong in our faith, and had prayed and prayed for everything that had gone wrong – and in the end everything was smoothed out for us in ways that’s nothing less of a miracle.

Bump in was surreal. The last time I had performed at the Black Box (with fancy bulb mirrors and dressing rooms and sign-in tags) was under Temple, where we were masked crocodile cheerleaders and part of an ensemble for a piece much greater than ourselves. This time, the play was ours. We were it.

Thank you G’s mom for the fantastic food and G’s uncle for the brillz photos (G BETTER UPLOAD SOON) throughout tech-run and recording.

AND THEN IT WAS SHOW DAY.

We met early at Xin’s house in varying shades of lethargy actually. Again I’m thankful for the dynamics of our friendship, because it calmed me down like nothing else. I KNEW we’ll always have each other’s back and until then we had our usual mocking thing going on to bring me back to the familiar. Make-up, taxi.

Stand-by. Warm-ups.

Neh neh exercises.
(One particularly got to me. I had trouble dealing with understanding loneliness to a deeper extent. The exercise required us to think of a moment where you felt a very real human connection. To hold on to it, want it forever. Naturally I thought of the Mugs, where we just loll around and be completely ourselves. Then G says, imagine you never, in your whole life, experienced this. How would life be for you. That was the part that broke me down really bad.)

So and then.

Show.

It’s a 50 minutes play but it feels like 10 when you’re doing it, seriously. Maybe because there is no backstage and you’re literally performing every freaking single second so there’s no time to stop and think: HELL. THIS IS IT.

The 3pm crowd was great in that they really GAVE energy. They were very tense (“Cannot breathe.”) in a good way and responded amazingly. 8pm crowd had many, many crying – that one was slightly more heartfelt than intense energy.

While some of us were concerned more with what important theater veteran guests thought about it, I was way more worried about whether my friends would enjoy it. My perspective is that we’re doing a show not only for ourselves, but to give the audience (my friends and family) a message in a way that’s extraordinary.

8pm for me had the greatest impact. Maybe because it was the last show, maybe because we’ve rid of nervous energy at the matinee, maybe because we had good feedback from theater people and kept in mind the minute details that called for a more nuanced performance.

The craziest thing is this: we actually had a few technical screw ups – basically sequences we’ve drilled for ages. Strangely, I’m happy they happened. The group dynamics was so strong, so focused, we picked ourselves up immediately and convincingly, no one could tell. I felt that made me grow so much more as a performer than a thoroughly perfect run could have.

The audience were too nice, really.

Even the ones we thought would be critical thought it was “damn good”. Friends I didn’t think would appreciate it, did. We had constructive feedback from professionals about theater techniques of course, which I learnt a lot from. Maybe they were being nice because after all we’re a fresh new group of young people, but they gave a lot more compliments than we deserve.

My greatest fear was that people wouldn’t understand or enjoy it because it’s slightly less explicit (thus less accessible), but I under estimated the audience – they didn’t need to fully understand to enjoy it, they just needed to feel. Understanding comes later. In fact, by making it less explicit, many had original interpretations that applied to them personally, which probably makes it more relate-able than text-based. You can say we aimed to incite feelings/thoughts (viscerally), not to entertain.

Every time an audience tells me they could relate, they could feel, or that something made them cry (8pm had lots, for some reason), it makes me feel like everything, EVERYTHING is so worth it. THAT’S what I’ve been performing for.

My parents/relatives: “Now we know why you lost weight! Cause it’s like exercise the whole time! Climb here run there!” Which is their way of saying they liked it and that my time away from home was worth it.

Probably the most unexpected but common comment we’ve got from many, both professional and not: They want to see another show by us. Nad’s friend: “Please don’t let Pedestrian Productions die.” We were not planning to have another (didn’t even know if we could survive this one), so this came as quite a surprise.

Back in the dressing room Gee asked us seriously, Are you guys happy just letting this end here?

It was a unanimous no.

So, friends, we’ll see you again in the future. Maybe when we’re 60 and Celine with dentures and osteoporosis. But we’ll be there, and when we are please come back and show us the same support you have this time round.

To do something you love so much, with people you love so much. And for others to love the product so much (ok or at least not hate it).

I’m blessed.

the one where i talk about stuff and how i’m always lost

YES. i have been trying to post. the past three hundred in my wordpress account are drafts, i just couldn’t get myself to complete them. (usually this means i have a life, as i am always very eager to reiterate.)

also i have lost all ability to write linearly. have been glossing over this with lists (see: past few posts) – an ill-disguised attempt to seem coherent and logical. i fail. this wouldn’t go on for long, i promise. i’ve sustained this place for seven years so it’s another three to hit a nice number. OCD asserts that i’ll not stop till 2016. so anyway, sporadic thoughts that are too long for twitter.

1.

rehearsals, rehearsals.

it’s been going pretty well actually, until last week where we stagnated slightly (slightly!). and then DUMDUMDUM tragedy struck: one of us fell while doing circus stunts and broke half her front tooth. if you know most of us you’d guess by now that it’s Celine. you’re right! so anyway, we were really lucky and Celine got fillings done and was dandy enough to go for rehearsals the very next day.

this very next day i mentioned? well yeah. someone fractured her foot. so by now you’re probably reorganizing other cast members in order of accident-proneness. save it, it was Celine again. YES, FOOL. it wasn’t even for rehearsals: i was waltzing with my bag across the corridor and she thought mimicry was witty. nein, she slipped on a puddle and fell. and you thought that only happened in cartoons (and you wouldn’t believe how incredibly fast i typed that last sentence wow?).

praise the Lord though, she’s fine (despite fracture scare, etc.)

2.

SAFRA for Beni and my birthday.

this year the plan was to kidnap (or abduct now that we’re no longer kids), blindfold, and somehow ferry Benita and I to SAFRA. SAFRA, by the way, a multi-storey hugeass jungle gym for all ages.. although mostly populated by kids and their atrophied parents. AND NOW US.

surprise of the day is: we didn’t get a single parental complain.

so we did the hugeass slides and screamed like babies and played hide and seek. AND THEN THE REAL FUN BEGAN: while hiding, Cel and I wandered into a whole column which Xaver and Amelia (sibling duo of everything Caucasian and adorable) had claimed as their dominion. we got them to be our lookouts against the other catchers. being politically incorrect, i kept yelling at them to find the big Chinese things and keep them as Asian slaves.

SO THEY DID.

but seriously, those kids were amazing. SAFRA wouldn’t have been half as fun without them. Amelia climbed over everyone and will grow up to be a diva.. who climbs around everyone. Xaver, on the other hand – is like Eminem but a lot less annoying. and also he loves shouting and fighting which is just hot.

Xaver’s rap: ‘i.. wenttothestore to buy some peanutbutter but they had NO peanutbutter so i wenttothestore and bought some JAMandBUTTER and i had it with toast and itwasgood.. OOHYEAH!’ meanwhile, Amelia just belly flops on everyone with complete confidence that someone would catch her and also tried to lick all of us (in a cute way).

after a couple hours of play, they got really high. and when kids get high.. Xaver went insanely aggressive and started to banish everyone out of his base and ordering everyone to salute him while shouting I HATE YOU!!! Amelia meanwhile started shooting the foam balls all around yelling BOOBS! BOOBS! (not instigated by any of us, swear).

they calmed down, being the great kids they are. Xaver went to us all charming and ang moh and said ‘anyway.. everything i said just now. i didn’t mean it.’ (WE DIED. stupid ang moh charm lol.)

before they went home, both Amelia and Xaver went to everyone THREE TIMES. one round of hugs, one round of kisses, and then they went around KISSING OUR HANDS. like we were freaking ladies in 18th century England. seriously, those kids.

and it was Amelia’s birthday the next day, so she very gleefully made all of us hold hands in a circle to sing a birthday song. so we skipped around her while she DANCED LIKE A TOTAL DIVA.

i know it’s slightly dumb to say this, but i really really miss them. i felt like i was five and had to part with friends i made throughout the day. why is it so easy to make friends as kids. ..well.. anyway.

…i’m actually kinda upset now thinking those two.

3.

i shall master this. will. for Brutal Demon Sex Maniacs, our band of ocarinas, maracas, ukes, and possibly a jew’s harp if we can find it.

4.

Firefly. is an amazing show.

5.

rush hour MRT poles are like pinoy portkeys, i thought.

then was struck by how good a simile that actually is. since they all hang on for dear life while waiting to actually get somewhere.

and if you don’t know what portkeys are, you probably don’t know what rictusempra is either. Google, or perhaps: http://www.amazon.com/Harry-Potter-Hardcover-Boxed-Set/dp/0545044251

6.

finished Kirino’s Out. again, the brilliantly crafted characters. again, the nothing much ending – which i point out not as a downside, more of a Kirino trademark (his books aren’t about the ending. it’s about the characters throughout the book). i prefer Grotesque, though.

and also the Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. basically, three-hundred-thirty-five pages about an obese colored geek who seeks love and fears dying a virgin – and how he eventually (SPOILERS!) lost his virginity. and promptly died thereafter. it’s not bad, actually. i found his geekiness under explored though. the author kept mixing up nerd with otaku and tended to name drop geektastic terms, only ever going into detail with Lord of the Rings.

also the whole book made me find Oscar incredibly un-shaggable, they didn’t even attempt to make him neater before (SPOILERS!) he got some ass.

it’s good because of the narrative, which works.

OHAI. so now we get to the best part: AMELIE NOTHOMB. remember how i was all over Hygiene and the Assassin? while yeah i wanted to finish everything she’s ever written and i’ve just started on my second: Loving Sabotage. usually second books of first books which were great usually disappoint. THANK GOD, NOT FOR THE FRENCH, NO PEOPLE, NO. Nothomb was so, so skilled, i actually had to dramatically close the page and regulate my breathing because i was hyperventilating from good writing.

what can i say about her writing? she’s bold. arrogant. and anything but pretentious. she says things you wouldn’t have thought, not even subconsciously, and brings them up with such dry wit you find yourself reeling.

I AM VERY, VERY EXCITED.

7.

i have been walking.. kind of a lot.

firstly, public transport is shit. secondly, ADULT FARE – i didn’t get the extent of it despite the Twitter bitching until a couple of weeks later when my fully topped up thirty dollar card ran out. thirdly, i’ve always loved walking. i just never really had the luxury of time to.

so now, with time, youth, willingness, and a legitimate reason, i’m walking EVERYWHERE. alright not everywhere, but everywhere unless it’s really dumb and would take my half the day.

i’m not sure why i like walking so much – maybe it’s self-induced since my inner compass is absolute crap and i end up having to walk thrice the usual distance (lost). when i was young and homework-less i used to walk home from St. Nicks, which is about twenty odd stops. and i also love circling around Holland V estates like a creeper.

recently i’ve taken to walking to the MRT. if i’ve got to Serangoon and have the time, i’d walk there. that’s like two MRT stops. i’m badass. strangely i’m very fast. sometimes i don’t even notice how much i’ve walked and i’m home. it’s just a thing.

8.

WHICH MAKES ME THINK. MY SENSE OF DIRECTION. it really IS all out shit.

SO IT’S TIME FOR A LIST!

list! list! list!

Five Strangest Incidents My Crap Direction Sense Had Landed Me In

The Crane Miscalculation

this one remains, forever, a Mugger’s classic.

it was Shereen’s and Becky’s birthday surprise, so we all went early to Gloria’s to prepare. when Shereen arrived, i was sent to escort her back to G’s (pretending i’ve only just reached too) (WHY ME? i don’t know why me).

i thought i was really smart too, when i figured the only way i’ll get back alive was if i took note of landmarks. the most obvious and all-encompassing thing being this huge crane (construction going on). so fetch Shereen, etc. all was going well and i was for once aware of directions and was LEADING HER SOMEWHERE.

which turned out to be wrongwhere. because, Weiqing, CRANES. MOVE. (albeit slowly and sneakily.)

Shereen was the one who at last navigated the way to her surprise party, so once again i fail at life. this may also be more telling of my stupidity than lack of compass. ah, well.

The Night-goggles Disorientation

i’ve been having tuition there for awhile. it’s a few minutes walk from a train station, and while i always walk to get there, my mom would pick me up from. once my mom couldn’t make it. the combined force of it being an inverse path AND it being 9pm instead of 7pm was so daunting, i panicked and got lost. yes. I GOT LOST. A ROUTE I TAKE EVERY WEEK. because it was a different sky-color and the other way around.

as you can see, it’s not that my sense of direction sucks, it just does not exist. i get to places through conditioning.

The Epic Mall Escapade

i could NEVER find my way to Xin’s house alone despite leeching around there all the time (much to the wrath/bemusement/annoyance of the rest). so at long last i got myself orientated to the direction (with lots of help from Prata Place, about that – later). AND THEN THEY HAD TO BUILD THE MALL. actually, when they were building,  it was fine. i was confident, i was alright, finally i could get to Xin’s house without having to call everyone up.

AND THEN. it finished building and Nex was there in all it’s heartland glory – all silver and shiny and obnoxiously large and disorientating.

so disorientating in fact, that i lost whatever conditioning or inner compass i’ve been carefully nurturing. had to call Xin up for directions after wandering about like a mentally-challenged cat yanked away from it’s mother. and got yelled at “WHAT DO YOU MEAN NEX CONFUSES YOU? IT HAS BEEN BUILDING THERE FOR THE PAST MONTHS. YOU FOOL.”

The Canteen Confusion

i may have mentioned that St. Nicks (AMK compound) is so big, i’ve got lost in it.

maybe you thought i meant that as a hyperbole. i didn’t. by lost i mean, yes. regularly, i hit dead-ends and find myself in strange roof exits and have to retrace my steps all the way back to where i started and pretend i didn’t need to go wherever i needed to go.

the staff room and the MPRs were the most confusing, because the staff room is literally in the heart of a maze (everywhere is a maze to me), while the extension block is just a freaking megabot-transformers-third-arm of a maze i could not figure out. i guess you can forgive me for those.

but the canteen? yes, the canteen. where we go every. freaking. day.

one thing i rely on very much for direction (also why my sense of- has always been crippled) is company. i just let everyone lead me around without noticing the route. so you can lure me down a street in Ulu Pandan (speaking off, i once got so lost i ended up in Ulu Pandan. for serious.) to sell me as shoe factory labour in Nicaragua and i would gladly follow. anyway: everyday, the happy St Nicks friends and i would go canteen together to eat eat.

so what happens when i’m to go to the canteen alone? lose my way. like a loser. haha. haha.

i actually ended up in the top floor of the Primary Block (St. Nicholas compound used by both secondary and primary), it was incredibly weird and i’ve never been there before. it was like Harry with the Room of Requirement, except i didn’t need anything there. and i tried my very best to walk all the way back to my classroom.

also had a hard time finding excuses as to why i didn’t get all the food i was supposed to get for my classmates. “i couldn’t find the canteen.” now you know.

The Misplaced Food-place

i have ONE redeeming quality when it comes to directions:

if this said route has many food places of my immediate gastronomical interest, it is a route easily navigated.

often, it is ‘Old Chang Kee should be on my left, that’s good… right turn at Frolick, uh huh. now face Starbucks and continue until Sizzler’s is in view.’ this is probably the only reason why i even get ANYWHERE. except, of course, food places sometimes change.

one of the most mind-raping routes i can almost never grasp despite going there about twice a week in my studying days – AMK library. for some reason it’s like hell’s labyrinth and i’m destined to never get it right (even now i’m kind of just walking in a general direction to get there, i.e. closing my eyes and walking straight holding Google maps with fear and prayer).

my aim after awhile wasn’t to find my way there, but just to be on a right enough track so i don’t end up in Bishan or Novena or something. banking on my strengths, i created a List of Food Places I Should See That Ascertains I’m On The Right Track.

FOOD PLACES, however, LIKE CRANES, DISAPPOINT. LIKE PEOPLE, THEY CHANGE. and sneakier, even, because they change unsuspectingly when you’ve gotten yourself somewhat familiar and am starting to gather confidence from all the lost faith, dignity, and direction. it is all very upsetting.

very upsetting.